A popular local supermarkets recent decision to ban a tall man from their store is dividing the local community. The ban, the manager says, includes the supermarket’s highly prized carpark, a recently bitumened shiny black sea, and will be enforced aggressively.
The ban came into effect at around 2pm EST yesterday, after deeply disturbing evidence about the man’s behaviour in aisle 9 emerged. Sheryl, working the checkout in express lane 2, was approached by an extremely upset customer who had witnessed the goings on.
Sheryl spoke to us exclusively about her experience. “A young mum comes up to me almost going nuts coz she reckons she saw this little old lady trying to reach the last tin of tuna up high on the shelf. If ya work at a supermarket like me you know that when tuna’s on special it’s flying out the door quicker than you can say bob’s your uncle”. She goes on, “the mum reckons she watched a real tall man walk up to the tuna section, have squiz at the goods, the old lady, and the tuna she’s after, and no word of a lie, pick up the can an put it in his basket. This is a bloody outrage, this is”.
Sheryl was quick to inform management via the emergency code words over the store’s PA. “I got on the blower and yelled out ‘Restock of Party Pies in aisle 9!’ That’s how management knows they’ve gotta come runnin”.
And come running they did. Management found the old lady still in the aisle, sadly looking at home brand tuna. When asked about the tall man, who seemed to be nowhere in sight, the old lady said “SORRY DEAR, I CAN’T HEAR VERY WELL”. After raising their voices enough for her hearing she confirmed the terrible incident.
After hunting breathless through the store for the mysterious tall man they found that Johnny, at checkout number 5, had let him slip though their fingers, with the famed tuna along with a bread roll and mayonnaise, thanks to the dastardly efficiency of credit card swipe and go. Johnny recalls “I just work here”.
Review of store cameras allowed management to find the recording of the incident and detailed videos of the tall man’s route through the store. They’ve printed out large “BANNED” posters with his image on and warn that a repeat visit will bring about serious consequences.
UPDATE: We managed to find the offender in question, due to our exhaustive journalistic efforts and he had this to say about the entire incident. “What I don’t get, is why I am always having to get things for little old ladies? The onus is on supermarkets, not me, to help out short people! Get some step ladders, or tell your staff to stop chatting to each other in the gardening aisle and help out your customers. And while you’re at it, think about me too! I’m sick of bumping into those stupid overhead promotional signs! The only reason I give a stuff about this ban is because now I have to shop at Aldi. The tuna roll was delicious but now I’ll only ever be able to eat home brand tuna. I’m actually thinking of moving – this town is too damn sizist!”
We imagine it looked something like this:
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