So recently the city of Ocala, Florida did something that you would only hear of happening in America and that’s to impose fines on people who wear their pants too low. Not just fashionably around the hips, but according to the new law “in a way that exposes underwear or bare buttocks.” The penalty? $500 fines and even imprisonment (only in America). Now although this may be a step in the right direction even if it is profiling – we thought we would take a look at some other fashion faux pas’ that are best left at home.
10. Ugg Boots
Most frequently seen around: Shopping centres around Frankston, VIC or Rockingham WA.
Nothing quite says “Straya C**T” like a pair of Chinese made Ugg boot knock-offs. Let’s face it we probably all own a pair or have at some stage but really they should be kept for those lazy Sundays on the couch watching Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns. Unless you are sporting a broken leg and crutches these are completely unacceptable to be worn any further out of the house then checking the mailbox.
Penalty: One weeks ban from Hogs Breath Cafe (further if you are to be caught with your trackies tucked in to them)
9. Fedora Hats
Most frequently seen around: Sydney; pick-up artist or magic the gathering conventions.
It’s quite possible that you’re an avid Mad Men fan and want that polished Don Draper look, but more often than not you’re just wearing a stupid looking hat because you’re decades behind in fashion sense. Only latino dance instructors can get away with wearing such a hat. So unless you’ve got the moves to back it up – do away with that hat that you probably won in a beer promo back when Warney was still playing Test cricket.
Penalty: Only allowed to attend Great Gatsby themed parties from now on.
8. Crocs (particularly crocs and socks)
Most frequently seen around: Anywhere that has kids eat free Monday nights.
There is a reason that these “shoes” have being banned from escalators at shopping centres all around Australia – because they are simply not a welcome sight. They not only scream “I have given up on life” but if you look closely you can literally see the persons street credit oozing out of those ghastly holes designed in to the crocs. You wouldn’t bring your gardening claws or gardening knee pads out to dinner with you so why on earth would you bring these?
Penalty: A swift glove-slap to the face.
7. Venetian Sunglasses (shutter shades)
Most frequently seen around: Photobooth prop stands.
Unless you drive a commodore with venetians in it and it’s dress like your car day at work these are completely unacceptable. There is a good reason that Kanye West no longer rocks these and you should stop being all circa 2007 about your eyewear.
Penalty: Barred from music festivals for the entire summer.
6. Parody T-Shirts
Most frequently seen around: In line at Hungry Jacks.
Firstly no one believes that you’re actually a Female Body Inspector, and secondly people that laugh as they walk past you are laughing not only at you but also with relief that they ditched their slogan/parody t-shirts when they left high school.
Penalty: No Hungry Jacks for a week. Two weeks if the font on your parody t-shirt resembles the coca cola font.
5. Crop Tops
Most frequently seen around: During shredding season at the gym you wish you had never signed up for.
We really hope that just because Kid Cudi wore one on stage you don’t decide to go to town with the scissors on all your best t-shirts. Not only do you look like a varisty jock from a 90s college humour movie but remember – you also probably don’t have the assets to pull one of these ridiculous tops off. There is a good reason people get annoyed at their washing machines for shrinking their t-shirts, no one wants this look. Do yourself a favour and buy yourself a tall tee instead.
Penalty: Football to the groin.
4. Ill-fitting Suits
Most frequently seen around: “Red carpet” football functions.
Whether you have to wear a suit and tie to the office everyday or only wear it a few times a year at special occasions, there is a reason you should not let your formal wear slip. Everyone else has put in the effort – even if that means they picked up a $80 tailored suit on a trip to Bali. Don’t be that guy that borrows their grandpas baggy suit pants. You’ll even find a nicer suit at Savers these days even if you do have to scrub off the bubble gum.
Penalty: A red carpet bollard straight up where the sun don’t shine.
3. Skins as pants
Most frequently seen around: Yuppie shopping precincts.
Just as we were starting to reconcile the whole “super” skinny jeans thing. Skins or rather thermals came in and replaced them. You’ve probably spotted someone on the sidewalk walking home from the gym in these and only these and thought to yourself “are those classified as pants?” – well the answer is no, they’re not. They should never be worn as the outermost layer, even at football practice you will see the upper echelon of the sporting community respectfully wearing their football shorts over the top of them. Don’t for a second think that male camel toe is back in and that you can get away with wearing them as pants.
Penalty: Beaten by a mob of angry men in morphsuits.
2. Square-toed shoes
Most frequently seen around: Bar mitzvahs & private school buses
You may well have owned a pair or two of these back when you’re mum had to buy you school shoes at the boxing day sales each year and that’s fine. What’s not okay is if you’re still buying these. Forget about updated your resume for that job interview – do yourself a favour and buy some decent and respectable looking shoes.
Penalty: Your loyalty card for the local coffee shop torn to shreds.
1. Cargo Shorts & Heelys combination
Most frequently seen around: Zipping past you in aisle 9 of the supermarket.
You would have to walk around a lot of tall grass in the pokemon world to find such an odd looking creature as this. The older gentlemen maybe late 40’s that scoots past you on the sidewalk in a pair of cargo shorts & heelys. What are heelys you ask? They’re those shoes with wheels at the back of them generally aimed at children under 11, however for some reason every now and again like seeing the businessman on a pocket scooter you will witness this rare marvel and think to yourself we really have hit rock bottom.
Penalty: A scolding hot jam donut to the face out of moving vehicle.
