HOLLYWOOD’S newest overnight success story has wasted no time adjusting to life in the public eye, with the 60-foot Cyclops from Christopher Nolan’s upcoming The Odyssey reportedly fielding sponsorship offers, appearance requests and several enquiries from basketball clubs who “just want to have a chat.”
The enormous one-eyed performer has become an unlikely breakout star following the first glimpses of Nolan’s highly anticipated adaptation of Homer’s ancient Greek epic, The Odyssey.
After spending several thousand years living quietly in a cave, sources say the sudden attention has been “a bit of an adjustment” for the previously reclusive giant, who until recently was better known for eating unwanted visitors than attending premieres.
However, those same sources say his biggest challenge wasn’t dealing with fame.
It was finding a bloody T-shirt that fit.
“Wardrobe was an absolute nightmare,” said one crew member who asked not to be named.
“We’d give him the biggest shirt we could find and somehow it’d be halfway up his guts but wide enough to sleep four people under.”
“Eventually he’d just go back to the loincloth. We’re fairly certain it was the same one he’d been wearing for the last few thousand years. Or at least the one he’d chuck on when visitors came around.”
The crew member claims conditions became so grim that production assistants were instructed to keep several incense sticks burning near the Cyclops at all times “for morale purposes.”
“It didn’t cover the smell. It just made the cave smell like sandalwood and arse.”
Things reportedly changed after Australian tall clothing specialists Plus 2 Clothing heard about the wardrobe crisis and sent the newly minted Hollywood star a care package.
Among the haul was one of the brand’s original Tall Tees, designed with extra length through the body without simply making the whole thing wider.
For the first time in several millennia, the Cyclops reportedly had a shirt that covered both his stomach and his arse at the same time.
“Mate, he wouldn’t take the thing off,” said another source.
“He kept lifting his arms up and checking underneath. No exposed guts. No crack. Nothing.”
“He got pretty emotional actually. Well, we think he did. It’s hard to tell with one eye.”
The Cyclops has since been spotted around his cave wearing what insiders describe as “an unnecessarily fresh rotation” of longer-length T-shirts, and is reportedly considering expanding into hoodies once Mediterranean winter arrives.
His management declined to comment on rumours of an official modelling deal, although industry sources say the Cyclops has already rejected several major fashion labels after being told their largest size would “probably work if he sized up.”
For now, the breakout star appears content enjoying his newfound celebrity, improved wardrobe and finally owning a T-shirt that extends below his belly button.
Unfortunately, sources say there has been one minor setback.
After finally finding clothes that fit, the Cyclops apparently stood in front of a mirror for nearly three hours admiring his new look before somebody on set had the heart to remind him that Odysseus blinded him roughly 3,000 years ago.
“Yeah,” said the crew member.
“He was pretty shattered.”
For Unusually Tall Mortals
You don’t need to be 60 feet tall to have the same problem. If regular T-shirts keep turning into crop tops, check out the full range of Tall Tees from Plus 2 Clothing — made longer for tall blokes without turning them into a tent.
